


The Pint-sized Jashinist

by rudeminnesotan



Series: Unhinged; Agent of Chaos [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Naruto
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Gen, Harry is a Little Shit, Hidan's mouth, Jashinism, Jashinist Harry, Kid Fic, Kid Harry Potter, Kill Them All, Kinda, Love Your Beta, Master of Death Harry, Over Powered Harry Potter, Shinobi Harry?, Swearing, again kinda, i guess?, i love that that is a tag, i'm not even sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-18 11:20:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21560329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rudeminnesotan/pseuds/rudeminnesotan
Summary: Harry’s been born in this universe a few times now, but something is different this time around. For starters, he wasn’t born in Konoha. For another, his neighbour was very, very different. What’s a totally OP kid to do when confronted with the Badmouth Immortal? Join him, obviously.
Relationships: Hidan (Naruto) & Harry Potter
Series: Unhinged; Agent of Chaos [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1553770
Comments: 7
Kudos: 519





	The Pint-sized Jashinist

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 1 - The Pint-sized Jashinist
> 
> Disclaimer: Nothing is mine.
> 
> AN: Don’t take this too seriously. I don’t. *Follow The Bouncing Muse.* 
> 
> Beta’d by Scarletdewdrops. 
> 
> ... ... ...

Some people just want to watch the world burn…

Hidan was one of those people.

… … … 

It started small. Bugs. Then critters. That quickly escalated when he became a shinobi. Killing a human, first with a weapon and then with his bare hands? It was probably one of the best things in the world to Hidan. The feeling of warm blood moving between his fingers? Mmm… nothing could fucking top that. 

So, not surprisingly, when Hidan found Jashin and the religion surrounding it... Well… He was hooked for life. At barely 14-years-old, Hidan had devoted his life completely to the Way of Jashin. 

… … … 

Not long after Hidan found his signature weapon, he also found a fuck ton of scrolls with different rituals he could perform to Jashin. They were all incomplete or pieced together between the different scrolls, but all-in-all they were definitely worth the journey he had to make to find them. 

He immediately set about trying to figure them out and once he did… The man started cackling maniacally. 

Immortality!? He could teach those heathens about Jashin-sama FOR.EV.ER!!! 

… … … 

It took him nearly three years to figure out the ritual. During that time, his village, Yugakure, decided that they would become a fucking tourist destination!? Protecting the roads and people!? PACIFICISM!? No. No. For the glory of Jashin, there was no way that Hidan could do that. 

He was very vocal in his disgust of his village. 

They never realized how deep it ran until That Night. 

… … … 

“HERETICS!” Hidan yelled as he kicked open the door to his neighbour’s house. “BLASPHEMERS!” There was a woman screaming, holding a child not far away. The man tried to jump at Hidan with a kunai-- right, his neighbour was a fellow shinobi. Feh, whatever-- the Jashinist literally batted him away with his scythe. 

“You will no longer be able to deny the teachings of Jashin-sama!!” 

The ritual was not quick. It was long. It was slow. It was brutal. It was absolutely fucking delicious and everything Hidan had hoped it would be. 

The shinobi father was strung up on the wall, the mother right beside him. He was laying in his ritual circle; he just needed 10 more minutes and he could go get his next two kills. The ritual required ten in total and then he would be impervious to death and could perform the proper rituals for his lord and savior, Jashin-sama. 

Wasn’t there a kid here too? Hidan could have sworn there was a kid. 

He lifted up his head to take a look around and saw the black-head of hair sticking out from behind a chair. The kid’s face had been splattered with blood but his eyes were clearly dilated wide. Hidan grinned--yeah, fucking sinner FEAR ME!--but the kid grinned back? 

“Jashin-sama!” The kid squealed in... delight?? What the fuck? 

“What the fuck?” 

“Jashin-sama, YES!” the kid pushed up to their feet and toddled, straight through a puddle of blood, completely ignoring its dead parents, to sit next to Hidan’s ritual circle. 

“Idiot, I’m not Jashin-sama,” Hidan told the kid, glancing between it and the parents. How did two blonds make a black-haired kid? 

“I know you’re not,” replied the kid, who looked at the blood on its. His? Whatever, who cares. On its hand. “Tell me more about Jashin-sama.” 

Hidan jerked up, eyes going wide. Then he grinned, a mouth full of teeth and began to expound on his God to a willing audience. 

… … … 

Hidan didn’t kill the kid. Instead, he let the kid hold his pendant as he sacrificed the rest of the neighbourhood. The kid laughed, a lot, when he saw the pendant, but Hidan had no clue why so ignored it. When he left the village that night, now immortal, he took the kid with him. 

… … … 

“So, kid, what’s your name?” 

“I’ve been your neighbour for three years and you don’t know my fucking name?!” The little shit had taken to talking like Hidan very quickly. Also, Hidan knew the kid was three--he did remember when his fellow shinobi gushed about his son--but that didn’t mean he remembered the fucker’s name. 

“Just fucking tell me before I sacrifice you to Jashin-sama.” 

The kid rolled his eyes skyward and Hidan was tempted for a second. “Tachibana Yuan.” 

Hidan stopped right there in his path. The 17-year-old turned his head to look at the kid who was hanging off of his shoulder. “What characters?” 

Yuan scowled. “Gentle apricot.” 

Hidan snorted… then started cackling. “You’re a fruit basket!!” 

“Like you’re one to talk!” Yuan retorted immediately, digging his elbows into Hidan’s trapezius muscle. The Jashinist’s body twitched to the side as a result, but he didn’t stop laughing at his new little partner. 

… … … 

Hidan never questioned Yuan’s abilities. Never. It didn’t take him long to realize that the little shit was a Gift from Jashin. Every ritual he did seemed to make the kid stronger, somehow, which was obviously Jashin’s way of showing that he was pleased with Hidan. 

It was awesome to watch the kid start to manifest powers. He’d never seen someone manipulate shadows like that, not even those tree fuckers in Konoha! They were almost like a seething pile of extra limbs for the little shit. 

“Hidan-nii!” Yuan shouted before using his shadows to crawl up and attach himself to Hidan’s back, one foot kicking the spike that still stuck out through Hidan’s back from the ritual he’d just completed. “I’m hungry. Let’s get some dango.” 

“Ugh, again?” Hidan groaned, looking to the dead man pinned to a tree. He tilted his head, pulled out the spike, then stepped out of the ritual circle. “Apricot-chan, you’re addicted.” Knowing the kid’s appetite, he rummaged the corpse’s body for extra cash. A soul and some pain for Jashin, and materialistic things for Hidan so he doesn’t have to listen to Fruit Basket whine for too long about being hungry.

“My name isn’t Apricot-chan, asshole!” 

Hidan literally waved the comment off, heading down the road. 

… … … 

The day after Yuan turned 5-years-old, according to the little shit, the kid had a fucking seizure. 

Hidan fluttered around him, unsure of what to do. Eventually, he grabbed the kid from their hotel room and ran until he reached the forest. Then Hidan went to get a sacrifice for Jashin and performed the ritual next to the boy’s still body. 

Somehow it helped and when Yuan sat up, his eyes were glowing with power. 

Hidan fell in supplication, reciting his prayers to Jashin. 

Yuan refused to talk about it the next day, once he had recovered, but Hidan knew something had changed. 

… … … 

Again. 

That was the first word Harry had thought when he was reborn in this world. For the third fucking time! He was getting absolutely sick of the Elemental Countries and their total bullshit of a society. 

But this time… Even as a baby, Harry could tell this time was different. His idiot of a mother (honestly, who names a child ‘gentle apricot’ when their last name already means ‘orange’? Honestly, who?) was rushing him back inside when he finally caught a glimpse of the albino who lived next door. There was a power, a familiar darkness, in that teenager and Harry reveled in it. 

‘So that’s why I’m here this time…’ he assumed, watching as the teenager slaughtered his parents for his ritual. A ritual which he could tell was empowering the teen, but also seemed to be powering him. Harry always knew death gave him power--it was the same in every lifetime--but this was definitely more… direct. 

He had no regrets about sticking to Hidan after that. 

… … …

After his fifth birthday, Yuan felt something he never thought he’d feel in this life. 

Someone had summoned the shinigami. 

The surge had caused his seizure. 

Hidan’s ritual had brought him back. 

Yuan wasn’t pleased. He remembered the last time someone called a shinigami in this world and he’d died to make sure that man was fine. If his second life here was anything to go by, though, it’s clear that whatever he did before was UNDONE. 

So mad. Much anger. Very unhappy.

“I want to kill something,” Yuan declared to Hidan, who he had taken to calling ‘brother’ for no other reason than it seemed to both embarrass and please the near-adult. 

“What?” Hidan scratched the back of his head, looking down at the kid. 

“I want to kill something, Hidan-nii. I will pray and do it in Jashin-sama’s name, but I want to kill something.” Preferably a certain someone, but Harry knew that wouldn’t be possible. 

Hidan thought about that for a minute, continuing on their walk down the road. 

“Please, Hidan-nii!” Yuan went all big-eyed on him.

Finally, he agreed. “Well, Jashin-sama will be pleased with your dedication,” explained Hidan, “But I’m picking the target!” 

… … … 

Killing people felt good. Especially when he did the rituals with Hidan. When he got older he had no doubt the feeling he got from these rituals would become a borderline sexual experience, it was so ridiculously euphoric for him. He was only five though, so it was mostly just an energy rush now.

Covered head to toe in blood, Yuan went over to Hidan and held up his arms. He rarely requested to be held, usually just latching himself onto the man’s back with magic, but this WAS Harry’s first kill… in this lifetime. 

“You did good, Apricot-chan.” 

Hearing that name again, Harry felt it was a completely reasonable response when he stabbed Hidan in the shoulder with the man’s own kunai. 

… … … 

“I got you something, Hidan-nii.” Yuan was standing with both of his hands behind his back. Hidan, who was eating breakfast, just gave the kid a flat look and held out a hand. 

A bracelet was set inside of it.

“The fuck is this?” 

“From Jashin-sama,” Harry replied, giving Hidan a weird smile. The bracelet had been woven from Death magic and had the symbol of Jashin caved into a piece of wood. 

Hidan’s eyes went wide at the kid’s declaration and he quickly wrapped it around his wrist, grinning. “Glory be to Jashin-sama.” 

… … … 

“THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS, HIDAN!” Harry was kicking the man in the side. 

They’d been jumped by Yugakure shinobi. A lot of them. Not that it mattered, with Harry’s power. In the two years since they’d left the village, they had killed a lot of people who were going to visit the tourist destination. The shinobi trying to stop them was to be expected. 

Hidan not taking care of the bracelet that Harry had given him wasn’t expected. 

“IT’S NOT MY FAULT, YOU LITTLE SHIT!” Hidan whinged, finally able to jerk himself back upright. The ritual of the last of the heathens was complete. “I didn’t think they would try to cut off my arm!” Or that the bracelet would break in its place. 

“YOU’RE AN IDIOT!” Since Hidan was standing now, Yuan launched himself at the shinobi, but he was easily snagged by the ankle and dangled upside down. 

That didn’t stop him from trying to make a few swipes with his kunai at Hidan’s middle. 

“Hey!” Hidan yelled when Yuan’s knife cut his shirt. The bloody shirt with a few holes in it. “I just bought that!” 

“AND THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!” Harry repeated, taking another swipe. 

… … … 

“Do you want to join the Way of Jashin?” Hidan asked the blue-haired chick before she could cross his path. 

…

“So, what do you say? Do you want to join!?” 

… 

“What the fuck? Are you three in a band or something?” 

… 

“DIE...!!!!” 

…

“What? Why didn’t you die, asshole!?” 

…

“I have a mission to spread the Way of Jashin.”

“Then you should join Akatsuki for the sake of your mission.” 

The blue-haired chick had a point. 

… 

“Let’s go,” the asshole who wouldn’t die said, but Hidan turned and walked in the other direction. “Where are you going?” 

“I’ve gotta get something.” 

Konan shared a look with Itachi and then looked back to Hidan. 

She was shocked when a little boy launched himself from the shadows and grabbed onto Hidan. She hadn’t sensed anyone nearby except for them. 

“Hidan-nii!” 

Itachi flinched. 

“Who are they?” 

“What,” Kakuzu stated flatly, “Is that?” 

“This is mine,” Hidan said, turning back towards the group of Akatsuki members. “He is a blessing of Jashin-sama.” 

“Hello!” the little kid declared, happily!?, waving to the group of killers. “I’m Yuan.” 

"Hidan-san," began Konan, "Who is that?" 

"Is she stupid, Hidan-nii?" asked Yuan with a tilted head, hanging off of the Jashinist by his shoulder. "I just said I'm Yuan, what the fuck?" 

Konan's eye twitched but she turned on her heel to lead the way. 

"Do you have our stuff?" Hidan asked Harry who nodded. Both had been pleasantly surprised that Harry had figured out just enough magic to enchant his pockets. Not that Hidan knew or cared that it was magic. He just assumed it was another gift from Jashin. 

Harry thought it was exceedingly convenient that Hidan assumed all of his oddities were blessings of Jashin. Not that he would lie to Hidan if asked about it, but it was nice not to have to monologue about his abilities.

Hidan quickly snatched up his scythe and followed along. 

Harry noticed the guy named Itachi staring at him as they passed and he turned to maintain eye contact as well. When his black eyes swirled red, Harry's own went wide. 

Oh. An Uchiha. 

Itachi broke eye contact first and Yuan laughed.

"What did you do?" Hidan asked. 

Yuan grinned. "Beat an Uchiha at a staring contest."

"You did not," Itachi defended. 

"I totally did."

"You did not," Itachi repeated and Yuan smirked. 

"You're wrong, I'm right, and I won."

Hidan began laughing while Kakuzu moved forward to walk next to Konan. 

"Let's go," interrupted Konan, changing from a civilian pace to a shinobi one. 

"YEAH LET’S GO!!!" Yuan shouted, throwing a fist up and Hidan launched into the air to follow. 

… … … 

When they reached Ame, Hidan dropped Yuan off at a hotel and went inside for his initiation. When he came back afterward, Yuan was super jealous of the super cool cloak that Hidan had on. 

“March back up there and get one for me, Hidan-nii!” Yuan demanded and stomped his little foot. 

“If you don’t shut that little bastard up,” came a deep voice from the entryway to their hotel room, “I’m going to kill him.” 

“I’d like to see you try, jackass!” Yuan fell into a fighting stance, but… really. A tiny kid vs Kakuzu? 

Case in point, the man in question ejected his fist towards Harry to punch the kid in the face. Harry’s shadows came up and grabbed it before it could hit him, but it was a close thing. 

“Oooo,” Harry made the shadows bend the strands that held Kakuzu’s fist to his body so that the tiny little Jashinist could look at it better. “I saw what you did to Hidan-nii before, but this is way more interesting in person.” 

Then he licked it. 

Kakuzu shuddered and tried to jerk his arm away, but Harry’s shadows were somehow stronger. When Kakuzu jerked his arm again, Yuan let go and grinned. In the background, Hidan was laughing up a storm. 

“Only members of Akatsuki can wear these,” another voice came from the entryway. 

“UCHIHA-NII!” Yuan launched himself at Itachi who dodged out of the way, tipping his head down into the collar of his cloak. “Awww…” 

“Brat, knock it off. We’re leaving.” 

Harry’s jaw dropped. “But we just GOT here!” 

“Yeah, well, we have a mission.” 

“YEAH, TO SPREAD THE WAY OF JASHIN TO ALL THE HERETICS. PRAISE JASHIN-SAMA!” 

Itachi took a step back from the screeching child. For such a small thing, he had a set of lungs on him. 

“Shut him up or I will,” Kakuzu threatened, turning away from the hotel room and going out into the hall. “Let’s go.” 

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” Harry wondered, going over to grab his jacket-- it was very similar to the one that Hidan had on before he got that awesome cloak. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time you Jashin-damned, money-hungry whore. Actually,” Hidan griped as he followed Kakuzu out of the room, finding Kisame lazing against the wall in the hallway and interrupting his own rant to greet him, “Yo, fishhead,” then readdressed his partner, “you know, Stitches, if there weren't any bounties, how WOULD you earn your oh so loved money, anyway?" 

The only response he received was silence, which Hidan took the wrong way rather than that the old miser was most likely totally ignoring him.

The Jashinist smiled as if he’d uncovered something shiny, "I bet you would whore it up, you greedy little bitch."

“...” Kisame didn’t say anything at first, then turned away from them to Itachi who was watching Harry. “Come on Itachi, we’ve got to go.” 

“Hn,” replied the Uchiha, red eyes focused on the kid. With hair that dark, he could be an Uchiha--but Yuan was much too tan. 

The child in question stopped in front of Itachi and waited. His wait was rewarded when Itachi crouched down and handed over a child-sized kunai pouch, filled with appropriately sized weapons. Harry grinned at the man and patted him on the hand before running out after Hidan. The shadows from his feet propelled him up to where he could latch onto Hidan’s back, arms draped over the Jashinist’s front. 

“Weird kid,” Kisame observed, pushing off from the wall. “His shadows are kind of like Kakuzu-san’s threads…” The Kiri nuke-nin’s thoughts spiraled after that and he snorted. “But he’s a Jashinist like Hidan-chan... So it’s like he’s Zombie Twins’ kid.” 

Slowly, Itachi closed the door to the hotel room and looked at Kisame from the corners of his eyes. Then he blinked and his eyes went back to black and he walked away without saying a word. 

“Oh, come on Itachi-kun,” Kisame wheedled, chuckling to himself. “It’s funny. Tell me that isn’t funny.” 

“That isn’t funny,” retorted Itachi in a perfect deadpan. Kisame groaned and rolled his eyes. 

… … … 

They were going to Iwagakure, apparently. They had a mission to capture someone named Nii. Or Niibi? Matanii? That sounded right. Maybe? Yuan wasn’t sure and he really didn’t care. They had plenty of time to get this done, nearly four years, so the three of them were able to take their time. 

It was glorious. 

So many bounties. Much swearing. Hidan nearly got his head cut off once, which made Yuan laugh. Lots of learning, on Yuan’s part. A ridiculously large amount of Sacrifices to Jashin. Exponential growth in Harry’s available energy pool.

Every time they returned to Ame for some reason or another, usually for some kind of Akatsuki meeting that Harry wasn’t allowed to go to, Itachi had some kind of weird gift for him. Usually something helpful for his ‘career as a shinobi’. 

Harry figured it was Itachi’s weird way of trying to atone for killing all those kids and torturing his younger brother twice. Or, maybe, Itachi was just weird. 

Either way, Harry loved it. Especially when, after Itachi had learned when Yuan’s birthday was, he was given a little mini Akatsuki cloak. 

Yuan was seven and in heaven. “Thank you Uchiha-nii!” Itachi didn’t dodge this time when he launched himself at the man, just caught him and held him. 

“Why do you always call him Uchiha-nii?” Kisame was there too since he was Itachi’s partner. Harry liked the man. Fish. Shark. Thing? He liked Kisame for all that he DIDN’T like the man’s sword. 

“Because that’s his name?” 

In the background, Hidan’s grumbling escalated into a fervent tirade. Yuan had clearly liked Itachi’s gift better than Hidan’s. “CHUCKLEFUCK THE BOYWONDER’S STUPID ASS WEASEL NAME IS ITACHI NOT UCHIHA!” 

“Uchiha Itachi, so Uchiha-nii,” Yuan retorted, using his shadows to spin himself around within Itachi’s arms, being held by the man much like a teddy bear would be. 

Kisame looked at his partner and then down at the boy he was holding… then back to Itachi… and finally over to Hidan. “Whatever,” he finally gave up, amidst Yuan’s giggles. 

In January of the following year, Yuan got to watch as his two guardians sat still for over three days. He wasn’t sure what was going on and used that time to observe them as best as he could. The boy learned a lot.

Kakuzu hated the way that Yuan was staring at them, but the kid didn’t complain. Hidan did. A lot. The entire time. 

“Fucking cocksuckers, how does that asshole expect us to stay still like this for three fucking days?!” 

“Shut up, Hidan.” 

“Sorry, sorry…” 

Eventually, The Zombie Trio--since Yuan went everywhere with Hidan and Kakuzu--made their way to Iwagakure and found the Matanii, or whatever. 

Now, usually, whenever Hidan and Kakuzu went after a mark, they did so as a pair. Yuan was sequestered off into a hotel or hidey-hole and they killed their target then picked him up afterward. This time, since Yuan was over 8-years-old now, they decided that he could help. 

Well, Hidan decided that he could help. Kakuzu didn’t agree, but he was proven wrong and the help wound up being fruitful. When Yugito, apparently that was her name, went a full two tails on them, Harry dropped down from the ceiling of the building they were in and subdued her with his shadows. 

“I hate doing missions that go against my religion,” groused Hidan as they bundled up the unconscious jinchuuriki. 

“Jashin-sama got a taste of her blood and wants more,” agreed Yuan, the shadows at his feet writhing in a way that was awfully similar to Kakuzu’s threads. The same shadows that had struck out like a senbon and rendered the kunoichi unconscious. 

Kakuzu merely grunted, flipping her over his shoulder to carry. 

It was at that time that Zetsu poked his head out of the ground near Yuan’s feet. Startled, the boy launched himself into a tree after yelping. 

He hung off the branch with his arms and legs wrapped around it, which should have impacted his ability to shout at max volume, but no. He shrieked, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!” 

The thing. Creature? That Yuan had never seen before turned its creepy plant-like head to look at the boy. “We are Zetsu.” It sounded like two voices. 

“We?” 

“Silly boy,” Just one voice. And one half of the mouth moved. 

Harry felt traumatized in a way he hadn’t in several lifetimes. 

The white part of the creature spoke to Hidan and Kakuzu while the black half stared right at the young boy waiting in the tree. 

Eye contact was always such an interesting thing. One could learn so much. 

“Tobi-kun and Deidara-kun found the Sanbi. We are all gathering to extract both.” Zetsu then explained where to meet and disappeared back into the ground. 

“Apricot-chan, come on. Let’s go.” Hidan swung his scythe around to rest it against his back and got going. 

“HEY!” Yuan yelled, jumping down from the tree and aiming a kick for Hidan’s head. “That’s not my name!” The Jashinist dodged and the pair fought as they walked. Kakuzu moved on without them. 

… … … 

Harry had never before been to one of the Akatsuki meetings, but he insisted on coming this time. Everyone was gathered together with Yugito laid out on the ground. The leader, Pein, had just summoned a huge fuck-off statue. The pint-sized Jashinist was… well. He wasn’t very happy. 

After summoning said huge fuck-off statue, Pein had proceeded to explain Akatsuki’s goals to Hidan. For the first fucking time. 

“Wait, you mean you’ve been working for this boyband for nearly four years now and you’re just NOW Learning what they’re all about, Hidan-nii!? I knew you were stupid, but I didn’t think you were willfully ignorant!” 

Hidan jerked back at the comment and immediately started shouting in his own defense. 

Harry ignored him. 

“I’m all for peace through violence, idiot leader, but this…” The kid turned to look at Tobi, who had dropped his own idiot act and was staring. “Hey, Tobi-nii!” 

“What.” 

“Tobi-nii!” Harry’s voice turned childish and he laughed. “I forgot, Tobi-nii,” the boy reached a hand into his pocket and produced a glowing green ball. “I got something for you, CATCH!” He threw the ball at Tobi, who caught it with his right hand automatically. 

All were shocked when he fell to one knee and white stuff seemed to slough off of him. 

“Damnit,” Yuan muttered, conjuring up another green ball of death magic to lob at the stupid Uchiha. Unfortunately, Deidara got in the way and collapsed dead the second the light touched him. 

The Akatsuki broke out into chaos after that, moving to attack the young boy. 

Kisame lunged at him first, but they were in a nice dark cave and Harry’s shadows launched right back at the man. The first swipe of Samehada deflected the tentacle-like shadows, but the next batch was faster than the shinobi and pierced him in the middle. 

“And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how you crack open a lobster,” Yuan spread his hands wide and Kisame followed suit, splattering blood all over the young boy. 

Meanwhile, Tobi had tried to Kamui his way out of there. Yuan turned to him and tsked, reaching out a hand and curling it into a fist. The Kaumi failed and Tobi was left kneeling on the ground. 

“Nuh-uh, Tobi-nii. Or should I call you Madara? I think Obito is a better name,” Yuan declared, walking towards the man slowly. Itachi twitched at the last name in recognition. “No disappearing act for you.” 

“How did you…” Obito began speaking, but Harry wagged his finger and he no longer could. A second later, Obito spat out half of his tongue. 

When Zetsu tried to disappear through the ground, one of Harry’s shadows snagged him by the roots and dragged him back out. 

“You two are definitely not all right in the head,” The boy stated, standing in front of Obito now with Zetsu forced to remain hanging from the air by his shadows. More shadows writhed out from underneath him, shooting out and capturing the rest of the Akatsuki before they could move against him. 

Even his beloved Hidan-nii was wrapped up in darkness. 

“There is no way I can allow you to cast your Infinite Tsukuyomi, Obito-nii,” Yuan gently patted the man on the head. “Violence, killing, death… Blood and chaos and war and fighting. These are all parts of life. And you want to take all of that away.” The boy tilted his head, his slicked-back hair--mimicking Hidan’s style--barely moving from the action. “I mean. Come on, Team Free Will all the way.” 

No one got the reference. 

As Obito tried to defend himself, Harry turned to Zetsu. “And you. You are an abomination.” A green light was once more flicked out, hitting the white half of Zetsu. This, too, sloughed off like a badly set pudding. “There. There’s the real Zetsu. Hello, Black Zetsu.” 

“You are ruining everything.” 

“Yes, yes, I am. But I finally realized why I am here again, don’t you see?” Yuan laughed, tilting his head back as he did. “All those previous times. It just wasn’t enough. There’s no way I can allow your moon princess rabbit thing to come back.” 

“Mother must be revived!” 

“Yeah, no, no she must not.” More shadows wrapped around Black Zetsu, and even as more White Zetsu came crawling out of the ground, eyes, and mouths formed in Harry’s shadows and spat green lights at the creatures.

Maybe during any other life, it would have been a challenge to deal with this situation, but to Harry, empowered with thousands of rituals, it was actual child’s play to handle. 

“I’m sorry Kakuzu-oji,” Yuan said, turning to the old man. 

Kakuzu narrowed his eyes, struggling against the shadows that held him. He never would have expected this level of power from the little shit. When five shadows broke off from around him only to be plunged into his back, Kakuzu knew it was up for him. 

All five of Kakuzu’s hearts were ripped out within a few seconds of the young boy’s apology. He fell apart at the seams after that. 

Next, Harry turned to Konan. Pein started to summon up his other Paths as Yuan advanced on the paper user. Their eyes met, especially since she wasn’t struggling, and Harry smiled. 

“Are you ready to meet Yakihiko? He’s waiting for you both in the Pure Lands.” Yuan turned to Pein then, “I would stop that if I were you. Your real body may not be here, but I don’t need it to kill you.” 

All Six Paths of Pein did indeed stop, but only for half a second before launching an attack on Harry. These efforts were doubled after Konan was ripped into pieces by Harry’s shadows, sending body parts all over the room. 

“I am a GOD!” Pein yelled after Harry had easily dispatched four of the paths. 

“No,” Yuan retorted, once more reaching out his hand and pulling. Pein’s real body was summoned to the room. “You’re really not.” With the real body here, Harry gave a swipe of his hand and literally cut Nagato’s connections to life. The decrepit old body and the two remaining paths fell to the ground, like puppets without strings. 

Itachi’s genius brain was swirling with thoughts and when Yuan made eye contact with him fearlessly, he pulled the boy inside of a Tsukuyomi without thinking. 

The actions were met with immediate regret. 

As the three seconds of reality passed, Hidan was moving about the room using Kisame’s corpse halves to create a giant ritual symbol screaming out his prayers for Jashin, how Yuan was such a beautiful Blessing from Jashin-sama, and to kill all of the heretics. 

“Oh, you stupid, stupid boy,” Yuan proclaimed, rubbing his head as they came out from the Tsukuyomi. Itachi would have stumbled, but he was still being held in place by the boy’s shadows. “Since you’re already dying, I suppose you can go, Uchiha-nii. Go let your brother kill you, or something.” 

With a wave of his hand, Yuan banished Itachi from the room. The shinobi reappeared the next nation over. 

Finally, Harry turned to Hidan. “Hello, Hidan-nii.” 

“Glory be to Jashin-sama.” 

“Yeah, about that…” 

… … … 

Ame felt way too quiet when Jiraya arrived there. He had hoped he would be able to talk to Pein, explain things maybe… He remembered Nagato and knew he was a Child of Prophecy… but this place just didn’t feel right. 

When he finally made his way inside, he was greeted by a young boy sitting where he expected to see Pein. 

“Who are you?” the Toad Sage demanded. 

“Oh, hello. I didn’t see you come in. I’m Yuan.” 

Jiraya looked the kid up and down. He had vague information about him from his spies--the pint-sized Jashinist who always hung out with Hidan. “You’re not Akatsuki. Where is everyone?” 

“They’re dead.” 

Jiraya stumbled in place. “What?” 

“They’re dead. I killed them. Akatsuki is finished. The Rinnegan has been destroyed, Zetsu was sealed within the statue and I banished it back to the moon. No more moon rabbit.” Yuan grinned, the blackness behind him growing impossibly dark with his amusement. 

“What… What about the prophecy?” Jiraya couldn’t believe it. 

“Oh, I’ve never been much of a fan of prophecy.” Yuan waved the thought away. “Besides. Nobody threatens free will while I’m around.” 

The Toad Sage could understand that. Free will was kind of awesome. “What about the jinchuuriki?” 

“The whaty? Oh, you mean the people with the beasties inside of them? They’re gone. Well, not Shukaku. He’s in here.” Yuan tapped his temple and grinned. “We’re going to get along just fine.” 

Jiraya’s eyes went wide. “You’re… The new jinchuuriki for the One-tails?” 

“For now.” Yuan inspected his nails--he’d painted them purple like Hidan’s forever ago. “I’ve got one last stop before I’m done with this life. You’re welcome to join me.” 

“One… stop?” 

Yuan rose from his seat and walked down to meet Jiraiya. As he did, he stripped out of his Akatsuki robe and revealed plain shinobi clothes underneath. “Yup. I wasn’t made to be a jinchuuriki, but I couldn’t leave him in that statue… However, he’s not quite ready to roam free just yet.” He looked up at the white-haired sage. “I hear Suna looks good this time of year.” 

Yet again, Jiraiya was stumped. 

“Come on, let’s go!” 

“Wait!” Jiraiya said, turning and then following the young boy. “What about your brother?” 

“Brother?” Harry was confused, but then sighed, “Oh… Hidan-nii. Well, I needed a sacrifice for the sealing. Between the Juubi statue and the Ichibi, he was just the right amount of power needed.” 

Jiraiya stopped walking then and watched as the young boy left the lair of the Akatsuki. That one tiny little thing destroyed the entire organization? And was now a jinchuuriki himself? And headed to Suna!? He was too dangerous to live!

“Come now, Jiraiya-oji. No need to fret. Whatever you’re thinking--put it out of your mind.” He stopped walking, silhouetted in the doorway. “I will be the sacrifice to seal the ichibi back inside of the former jinchuuriki. Then your world will continue to turn the way it should… without the threat of a crazy sailor moon rabbit lady.” 

Finally, Jiraiya found his feet again and went to catch up with Yuan. “Fine. But I’m coming with you.” 

“I did invite you.” 

“And you’re going to tell me more about this moon rabbit lady.” 

“Sure thing.” 

“And no killing people on the way.” 

“Aww, man…” 

… … …

ARE YOU GROWING SENTIMENTAL, MASTER? 

As always, Death was waiting for him after he died. That comment was, naturally, ignored. 

“So. This one again, eh?” Harry inspected his nails, picking a piece of dust out from underneath one. How it got there… “Why here so many times? This was, what, the third? Maybe the fourth? Why do I feel like… Nevermind, Time is hard enough to figure out.” 

THEY’VE FUCKED UP A LOT OF THEIR REALITIES, MASTER. 

Harry could almost hear the shrug in Death’s voice. 

THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN TEN-YEAR-OLDS GET SUPERPOWERS. 

He couldn’t agree more, nodding along. Then he turned and prepared for his Next Great Adventure.

**Author's Note:**

> ... ... ... 
> 
> AN: Funny story: I’ve been pronouncing Hidan’s name wrong in my head since I started reading Naruto fanfic which… /checks my Excel Spreadsheet… February 24, 2016, when I first read “Itachi, Is That A Baby?” … Yeah, good job self. Researching for this fic, I found that I was doing it wrong lol. 
> 
> Also: Yes. Harry is SUPER OP. On purpose. For nearly 5 years, Hidan has been funneling power to him through the rituals to Jashin. On top of the fact that Harry, as Master of Death, is already ridiculously powerful, it led to something like this. 
> 
> Harry’s Japanese name: 
> 
> Tachibana Yuan  
> 橘 (tachibana) meaning "orange, tangerine".  
> 優 (yu) meaning "gentleness, lithe, superior"  
> 杏 (an) meaning "apricot"


End file.
